


No names

by Willowisdarkagain



Category: Holby City
Genre: Everybody Lives, F/F, Misunderstandings, Sexual Fantasy, Strangers to Lovers, different first meeting, it's not so smutty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-12-21 10:34:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11942325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowisdarkagain/pseuds/Willowisdarkagain
Summary: No names, simple, both parties get what they want/need, without any hassle. But in a world where simple never works, what happens when the universe decides to make everything as un-simple as it possibly can?If you've watched a beautiful french movie called An Affair of Love (Une liaison pornographique - 1999) then you'll know what's this story is about.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to TwoBeatsAtOne:)

“No names.” Bernie says shaking the woman’s hand. “I think it’s better this way.” She doesn’t mean to be cynical, only practical.  
“Of course.” The woman nods nervously. “I have never done anything like this. I suppose there are rules.”  
“Oh, me neither, I guess we have to make those along the way. If there will be a way… I don’t… I wouldn’t…” Bernie loses her fake confidence and runs her hand through her hair. “I thought we could get coffee first? There’s a place around the corner, do you know it?”  
“Strong and hot and is all I care about right now.” She bites her lip. “I meant the coffee.”  
“I know.” Bernie smirks and lets the woman go first so she can look at her.  
They take a small table close to the window. People pass by and Bernie sees the woman glare apprehensively outside. She shares the same wish for privacy but she tries to be rational, two women in a bar it’s hardly incriminating. Maybe she should reassure the woman, tell her that no one will guess the true reason they’re here just looking at them through a frosted glass.  
“What should we talk about?”  
“Nothing personal.” Bernie says. “I think the less we know about each other, the easier will be… At least for me… Not to worry what the other thinks of you it’s impossible if you care about someone, I don’t want that kind of weight right now. I’m looking for something else. If you agree, obviously.”  
“I do. Casual conversation it is, then.”  
Bernie studies her in silence, she had expected little more resistance. The woman sitting in front of her is beautiful and apparently willingly to go with her plan. Where’s the catch, Bernie thinks.  
“Am I passing the exam?” The woman says only half kidding.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… But yes, you are.” Bernie says seriously.  
They stare at each other until the waitress comes with their coffee and leaves.  
“I have booked a room.” Bernie says.  
The woman is surprised. “What if we didn’t like each other?”  
Bernie shrugs. “It’s just a room.”  
“Nearby?”  
“The other side of the street.” Bernie point at an old charming building.  
The woman drinks her coffee. “You don’t look like your picture. Something with your hair.”  
“I used to have it longer. Disappointed?”  
“Not at all.” They smile at each other.  
“Did I pressure you with the room?” Bernie asks.  
“No… That’s why we’re here, right? It’s just new.”  
“I always had this fantasy…” Bernie stops because she can’t tell this stranger how she used to think about it in bed with Marcus to move things along, how guilty she always felt afterwards. Or how much she wanted to try it with Alex but never muster up the courage to ask.  
The woman interrupts her train of thoughts. “I could tell, the ad was very detailed. I liked that, I like meticulous people.”  
“I can be.” Bernie smiles thinking about her current living arrangements. “Not always though. What about you? How long have you had this fantasy?”  
“Since I read your message online. I never thought I could like anything like this. With a woman… I’m not…” She shrugs slightly embarrassed. “Well I guess it’s a little too late to cling at my heterosexuality.”  
“You can still say no. You can always say no.” Bernie says sweetly.  
The woman looks at her and smiles. “I don’t think I will.”

Bernie pays for the coffee and holds the door for her. They walk a little faster that necessary, cross the street and find themselves in front of the hotel. Bernie turns to the woman behind her who nods, and pushes the door open. Bernie goes to the reception, talks briefly with the concierge and comes back with a key. The room it’s on the first floor and they take the stairs. The steps are narrow and their shoulders touch. The corridor is dark, the wall is covered in burgundy cloth that absorbs the light. Their room is the last one. Bernie breathes and puts the key in. She knows exactly what is going to happen, she’s wished for this moment so many times. Yet, her hand falters. The warm finger of the other woman reaches for her hand. “It’s ok.” She murmurs, and together they turn the key.

The sun has gone down when they leave the hotel. The woman closes her coat. “It’s chilly.”  
“Yeah.” Bernie says but her coat is open.  
“So, do you…” The woman seems uncertain and Bernie offers, looking at the traffic. “Do you want to meet up again?”  
“Next Wednesday?”Bernie smiles. “Same time, same place?”  
“Yes. I have to go, now.”  
“Me too.” Bernie says even if not true. They stare at each other not sure of what to do. Bernie holds up her hand and the other looks at it for a moment but then shakes it.  
“Have a good night.” Bernie says and leaves. It’s the wrong direction, her car is on the on the other side.

“You’re late.” Jason admonishes her.  
“I know, I’m sorry.”  
“Where have you been? You didn’t answer your phone.”  
Serena takes her mobile out of her pocket and sees three missed call. “I silenced it and I forgot to…”  
“How did you forget?”  
“Sometimes it happens, you know that. I’ll try to pay more attention in the future. Are you hungry?”  
“I already ate.”  
“Oh. I’m so…”  
Jason turns on the tv and ignores her so Serena goes up the stairs. She thinks about Fletch and Raf laughing in front of the computer, about how she went to scold them but curiosity got the best of her and she read what was on the screen. She made them go back to work but those words stayed with her for the rest of the day. And the next one. And when the weekend came she was in her bedroom, locked inside without really a reason, looking for that message. It only took her a few minutes, she knew it by heart. It took a while longer to write an answer.  
She reaches her bedroom. She gingerly takes off her clothes and looks at herself in the mirror. There are red spots on her skin and a little bruise on her hip. She brushes her finger there, then pushes hard on it. The pain reminds her of what happened in the room. She had thought she would liked it. She hadn’t known just how much.

Bernie is sitting on the only chair of her apartment. She’s still wearing her coat. She looks around, only white walls. She can smell the fresh painting. It’s as empty as her life. She doesn’t have a job anymore, or a family. She doesn’t have friends, she’s been away almost all her life. She knows she should have prioritize the search of a new job or buying some new furniture. Instead she had posted an ad online. She needed to do something for herself, something utterly selfish and brave, something that could take her mind off this misery she was living in. And she just did. She smiles in her empty living room. Everything now seems a little bit more in her reach.

***

When the next Wednesday comes, Bernie has a couch, a tv and some basic stuff for her kitchen. She has sent her CV to all the hospitals in Holby and a few in London. She doesn’t want to leave her children again but she has to find a job at some point. She’s in a good mood when she arrives at the coffee shop twenty minutes early. She thinks she can get inside and wait there. But she spots the dark haired woman already sitting at the table they had occupied last week.  
“Did I get the wrong time?” Bernie asks checking her watch.  
“No, I just finished earlier at…” She frowns. “Sorry.”  
“It’s alright.” Bernie takes a sit and the waitress comes to take her order.  
“I’m glad you didn’t change your mind.” Bernie says.  
“Why would I?”  
“You had a week to think about it… I thought it was a possibility.”  
“I did think about it.” The woman looks intently at her. “Every single moment. Repeatedly.”  
Bernie’s mouth is dry. “Me too.”  
The waitress brings the tea and Bernie thanks her.  
“The room?” Serena asks her.  
“It’s booked.”  
“I should pay for it.”  
“I already paid. Maybe next time.”  
Serena smirks at her. “Are we feeling optimistic?”  
“Yes, actually I am. Usually I’m not, so let me enjoy the feeling.”  
“I will.” Serena reaches for the other woman’s hand on the table but immediately takes it back. “I’m terrible at this thing, I’m sorry.”  
Bernie smiles warmly. “It’s ok.”  
Serena wants to ask if she’s married. She has seen the stretch marks on her stomach, and she’s quite sure that she has children. And there’s a scar on her chest, Serena hadn’t touched it but she had wondered about it. It’s fairly recent, the skin is still pink and tender. She won’t ask about it either.  
“Am I… Have you met others…”  
“The ad you mean? I took it down a week ago.”  
“Ok.” Serena tries not to smile.  
After a long silence Bernie says. “I used to swim as a child.”  
Serena tilts her head in confusion.  
“I thought the past could be a safe topic.” She shakes her head. “It was stupid.”  
“No, it’s not.” Serena is quick to reassure her. “But I already gathered that piece of information, your broad shoulders gave that away.”  
“I was a scrawny kid. I think they made me do all the sports on earth.”  
“It paid off.” Serena says appreciatively.  
Bernie laughs. “Now is your turn.”  
“I was more into getting good grades and handsome boys than sport.”  
“A flirtatious overachiever, my kind of girl.” Bernie wants to take it back but the woman doesn’t seem to read anything into it.  
“I seriously doubt you would have like me as a teenager. I was obnoxious.”  
And how are you now? Bernie thinks but doesn’t say. A couple opens the door of the cafe and the cold wind from the street enwraps them.  
“Shall we go?” Serena asks.  
Bernie nods and stands up. Serena leaves the money on the table and heads outside. They don’t talk anymore, just walk side by side to the hotel and then up the stairs. This time Bernie’s hand is steady when she opens the door.

When Bernie comes home she finds some post. She forgot to check it that morning, her thoughts completely elsewhere. Two hospitals have answered her. One in London and one here in Holby. She scratches open the envelopes. They’re both interested and they want her for an interview next week. Not on Wednesday, she smiles. 

***

Serena is distracted. She tries not to be, tries at least to hide it. But she sees the glares of her colleagues when they have to call her twice to get her attention. She had left that room on Wednesday evening but her mind is still there. She can still feel the other woman’s mouth on her, her hands. She had never felt anything like this. It’s only sex, she wants to convince herself, elaborate sex, yes, not suitable for everyone, but just sex. It can’t possibly occupy every minute of her day.  
But it’s not just sex. It’s pornographic. Nothing wrong with pornography, she’s never been a prude. But she’s never gone that far, never so soon, never with a complete stranger. She had trusted this woman in a blink of an eye, let her do anything she pleased. And she wanted her to do it again.  
The next Wednesday the AAU is running at full capacity. Serena is worrying that she’ll be late, or that she won’t make it at all. She has no way to tell the woman. She’s on the verge of panicking thinking she won’t see her anymore when finally the ward begins to calm down. She changes from her scrubs and leaves in a hurry.  
She sees from the street scruffy blond hair waiting for her at their table.  
“I’m so sorry. It was a dreadful day. Have you been here long?”  
“I had some emails to get to, don’t worry.”  
“Cup of tea.” Serena says to the waitress.  
“Did you hurt yourself?” Bernie asks.  
“No. Why?”  
“There’s a little drop of blood on your neck.”  
“Oh.” Serena stands up. “It must be chocolate.”  
“No, it looks like blood.” Bernie insists.  
“I’ll be right back.” Serena goes to the toilet cursing her last patient for almost bleeding out on her.  
“I think I’ll need to take a shower at the hotel, if you don’t mind.” Serena says when she comes back.  
“No, I…” Bernie looks worried. “It’s just…”  
“I’m not inviting you to joining me.”  
Bernie smiles with relief. “Alright, sorry.”  
Serena thinks how ridiculous it is to be scared of showering together after everything they’ve done. But if the other woman needs boundaries, she won’t step on them.  
“How was your day?” Serena asks.  
“Quite nice, actually. I had very good news yesterday.”  
“I’m glad.”  
They drink their tea.  
“I almost didn’t make it here. I didn’t know how to reach you.” The woman tenses again and Serena adds. “I just thought we could leave a message at the hotel if one of us can’t come.”  
“Yes, I’ll be busier in a couple of week. It’s a good idea.” Bernie smiles, she’d love to tell her about the new job but one slip would let to another and it’s already difficult to maintain the distance as it is. She looks at her watch.  
“Is getting late?” Serena asks.  
“No, it’s just a habit. We have time.”  
“Thank God, our awkward conversations are the best part of this arrangement.”  
“Really?”  
“No.” Serena laughs. “I do prefer what you do to me after.”  
And it’s something in the woman’s voice that makes Bernie blush, makes her feel hot inside.  
“I didn’t know you were shy.” Serena says playfully.  
“It’s not shyness.” Bernie looks in her eyes to let the woman see the fire she had just put in there.  
“It’s not.” Serena agrees, her heart tumbling in her chest. She forgets the rules and takes her hand. “Let’s go.”  
They stumble on their chairs, people turn but they don’t notice. Bernie takes a note from her pocket and leaves it on the table. She let the smaller woman pull her out of the coffee shop and inside the hotel in a matter of seconds.

***

“Auntie Serena burnt the dinner, yesterday.” Jason is talking to Fletch at the nurse station.  
“Did she?”  
“Yes. I wanted to call the firefighters but she didn’t let me.”  
Serena hears him. “It was hardly a blaze, Jason.”  
“The house still smelled badly this morning.”  
“Something on your mind, boss?”  
“Of course not, Fletch. As impossible as it may seem, I’m not perfect.” She gets back to her office faking a smile. She had forgot the pan on the hob thinking about how she had spent the afternoon. It was always the same, the same gestures, the same bruises afterwards. But it was always better somehow. They were better.  
She’s so deep in her thoughts about the mysterious woman that she doesn’t see her walk across the ward.

Bernie looks around and thinks that’s not a bad place, it could use some improvements and it won’t be as exciting as working in the field, but it’s not bad. She can’t linger, she has to find the administration and she’s already late.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta for bearing with me and writing the summary. Thank to everybody who read, left kudos and comments (I refresh my mail two hundreds times a day looking for those). Please let me know what you think of this story!
> 
> NOTE: I’m not gonna tell what the fantasy is. It’s not really relevant to the story anyway. What I suggest is that you use your own fantasy. Yes, the one you just thought about.

It’s too early to wake up and Serena lies in bed still half way sleepy. She reaches out to the empty side, where the sheets are cold. She thinks of the woman’s skin, smooth and warm, wonders how it would be to touch her without purpose, just running her fingers down her back and then fall asleep again. When they were finished the blond would always moved gingerly off her and stayed in bed long enough to catch her breath. She would then stand up and redress quickly. They wouldn’t look at each other until they were ready to leave

Bernie is testing her new coffee maker. It’s Wednesday and she won’t go to work until next Monday. She hopes she will find the time for her weekly appointment once she’ll be busy with the hospital. She likes this arrangement, she’s quite proud of it. She’s not looking for another relationship to screw up, and the sex is great. There’s no reason to change something that’s already perfect. No reason at all, she repeats to herself sipping her coffee all alone in her kitchen.

They meet on the street and go together inside the bar. The dark-haired woman is wearing a bottle green dress that enhance her cleavage. Bernie looks at her and smiles pleased.  
“Now I regret wearing jeans.”  
Serena waves her hand. “Oh, don’t. I have a thing after. I wasn’t sure I could go home to change.”  
“Um.” Bernie feels a sudden pang of jealousy. “Of course.”  
“Are you alright?”  
“Why shouldn’t I be?” But Bernie’s voice has lost all the mirth.  
“If you’re not in the mood…”  
“Are you?” She quickly retorts.  
Serena is perplexed. “I wouldn’t be here.”  
Bernie cannot stop thinking about this woman having dinner with someone else, laughing with them, sleeping with them. Maybe even doing what _they _do with someone else. She shouldn’t care, that’s the whole damn point. “I don’t have much time. Do you mind going now?”__  
The waitress comes to take their order and Serena smiles apologetically. “I’m sorry we have to go.” The waitress nods and leaves.  
“Thanks.” Bernie says to her and stands up. They get to the hotel and Bernie takes the key. She almost runs up the stairs and when Serena reaches her, Bernie pushes her against the wall and kisses her. They’ve never kissed, not like this. It’s an intimacy they don’t need in the room. Serena grabs the other’s shirt under the coat and pulls it out of her jeans, pulls her closer.  
The sound of steps approaching makes Bernie move away. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”  
“It’s ok.” Serena says warmly.  
“No, it’s not. This is not what we agreed to.” She tries to calm herself but she’s distracted by Serena licking her lips. “Your lipstick is… let me.” She brushes slowly her thumb on the smeared lipstick. Serena takes it into her mouth and Bernie breathes out. “Don’t do that.” She whispers without moving away.  
A man comes up from the stairs and Bernie steps back to let him pass. They wait in silence for him to get in his room.  
“If we go inside it’s not for this.” Bernie’s voice is steady again. Serena nods, a little hurt, and follows the woman to the end of the corridor.

____

It’s night when they leave the hotel. “Are you still in time for your thing?”  
The excitement is fading off and Serena is not in the mood for small talk. “What thing?”  
“The thing you have tonight.”  
“It’s nothing important, just a work thing.”  
“And the dress?”  
Serena shrugs. “It was stupid.”  
“For me?” Bernie smirks.  
“See? It was dumb.”  
“No, no, it wasn’t. It was… nice.”  
Serena smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “See you next week?”  
“Sure.”  
Serena turns to leave but the blonde calls out for her. “Are we ok? About before?”  
“I’m a good soldier, I always follow the rules.”  
Bernie is confused for a moment but then she smiles. “Yeah, me too.” She steps forward and kisses the other woman on the cheek. 

***

When Monday comes Serena is still in a gloomy mood. She has accepted this game without questioning, she had let the other woman handle everything and that has been a mistake. She liked the kiss and it had been torture not to kiss her again once inside the room. It was bewildering to feel so close to someone and so distant at the same time.  
“Have you heard of the new locum at Keller?” Fletch catches up with her walking down the ward.  
“Fresh meat for the gossip mill. Poor man.”  
“It’s a woman.”  
“Always glad to have a new girl on the team.” She takes the chart from Fletch’s hands. “Come with me.” 

Bernie’s first day is been frustrating so far. She has to shadow a doctor half her age that insists on explaining medical procedure she obviously knows more about than him. What she needs to learn is the bureaucracy of a civilian hospital, but he’s so enamored with his own voice that she doubts he’s listening to her questions. Mister Valentine is giving her a tour of the hospital, introducing her to some of the consultants. She smiles, shakes hands and immediately forgets who they are. How could anyone expects her to remember so many people? They take the elevator and go on the ground floor.  
“This is the AAU. You’ll be here often. This is the reign of Miss Campbell. My advice? Try to get on her good side from the start.”  
Bernie nods, not really committed in the conversation.  
“Here she is.” Oliver points at a woman in civvies walking through the ward followed by a few F1s.  
Bernie stills, all her muscles tense. She sees Oliver go and talk to the woman but her ears are buzzing and she can’t hear their voices. When the woman turns to her, Bernie sees all the color on her face draining.  
Oliver is calling her, Bernie forces herself to step forward, her legs stiff and unwillingly.  
“Hello.” Her voice is raw.  
“Hello.” Serena says offering her hand. “I’m Serena Campbell.” And she had wanted to say this words to her so many times in the last month, but never, never like this.  
Bernie stares at her, letting her hand hang more than necessary before saying. “Bernie Wolfe.” She takes her hand out of her pocket and shakes Serena’s.  
Serena puts up a smile and Bernie knows it’s fake because she has seen the real, perfect one.  
“I’d love to stay and chat but this kids needs to be constantly fed with knowledge or I’d lose them.”  
“Ha.” Bernie says, not helping at all with the awkwardness.  
Serena nods and walks away. She halts abruptly, all the doctors behind her stumbling a little, and turns left down the ward.  
Bernie looks at her then down at her palm, it’s sweaty.  
“She’s usually a lot scarier. I think you made a good first impression.”  
Bernie smirks sadly. “I think so.” But not today. 

Serena makes the ward round talking continuously, fearing that if she stops she would collapse. And when she’s finally done she closes the door of her office and leans on it. Why of all the hospital of the United Kingdom and Commonwealth Bernie has to work here. With her. Embarrassing her. Taking what was meant to stay behind the closed doors of an anonymous hotel room in her own ward. She knows she won’t be able to look at her and not thinking about what they’ve done. For the first time she feels ashamed. 

***

On Wednesday Bernie has the night shift. She wakes up at seven anyway, thinking about Serena. She has some furniture she had bought at Ikea that needs assembly and she’s glad for the distraction. She drinks her coffee trying to focus on the instruction of the bedside table. She quickly decides she doesn’t need them. She takes out all the pieces and sits in the middle of the living room in her pajamas. She starts assembling and for the first few minutes she doesn't think about Serena. It doesn’t last long. The bedside table is way too easy. She looks hopefully at the dresser that’s up next.  
The morning passes and she goes to the indian deli around the corner. On her way back she’s sure she’s been followed, but couldn’t see anyone behind her. At the front door she can’t find the keys right away. Her hands are full so when she sees the old lady that lives on the third floor coming down the stairs she just waits for her. Bernie is hardly a chatty neighbor, she’s more the polite one that people find two months after their death. Miss Maple smiles at her. “Oh, you got a new friend! It’s so cute!”  
Bernie frowns. “Who?”  
“This fluffy little thing.” The lady kneels down and start scratching the black and white cat.  
“That’s not mine.”  
“What’s his name? No, her name, I believe.”  
“This is not my cat.”  
“If you don’t want to tell me, fine. “ Miss Maple scolds her. “But it’s not nice to be so rude in front of the cat, they do have feelings you know.”  
“It’s not…” Bernie sighs, she really doesn’t want to argue and she says the first thing that comes to her mind. “Serena.”  
“What a beautiful name! Single ladies of our age needs the company of an animal. See you soon Serena! Bye Miss Wolfe.”  
Our age? That woman must be thirty years older than her. Bernie enters her building trying to leave the cat outside, but she clearly has underestimate the agility of a feline. “I don’t want you.”  
The cat rubs against her leg. “I still don’t want you.”  
They get together in the elevator. “You are a stubborn little thing.”  
She puts the bags in the kitchen and the cat jumps on the chair. “I hope you like spicy because that’s all I’ve got.” 

At three o’cloak Bernie and the cat leave the house. “I wish I never see you again.” The cat mews and jogs down the street. She takes the car and turns on the engine. What if Serena is not at the coffee shop, what if she is and she wants to fight? A horn makes her startle, someone wants to take her parking spot. “Yes, yes. Can’t a woman have a moment of peace in her fucking car?”  
She leaves her car near the bar. Inside, she looks around but doesn’t see Serena. She takes their table and orders a cuppa. After ten minutes she notices the first white hair on her black shirt. She removes it. And then another. She discovers in horror that she’s covered in Serena’s… no, the cat’s hairs. She needs to find a different name if the little monster comes back.  
“I didn’t know you had a cat.”  
“I don’t!” Bernie’s voice is worn out. “Sorry, it was just a lunch thing.”  
“Lunch with a cat?”  
“Indian take away.”  
“What’s its name?”  
“Um… She doesn’t have a tag.”  
“You should give her one, it’s safer.”  
“It’s not a freaking marriage. We only had one lunch.”  
“Are we still talking about the cat?”  
The waitress interrupts them gaining all of Bernie’s gratitude.  
“Coffee, thanks.” Serena asks. “So…”  
“So…”  
“Why are you here?”  
Bernie stops cleaning her shirt and sits straighter. “I wanted to tell you that I didn’t know about the hospital.”  
“I bloody hope so!”  
“It’s been uncomfortable for me too, you know.”  
“You won’t tell anybody, right? That place lives on gossip, I don’t want people…”  
“Do you think I would? Really?” Bernie is deeply offended. “I didn’t put shagging the head of AAU on my résumé.”  
“Can you please lower your voice?”  
Bernie takes a deep breath and leans on the table, whispering. “I didn’t put mind-blowing sex with the head of AAU on my résumé. Or how many times I made you come, the sound you make when I do. Or how much you like to get down on your knees, do they know about that? Or when I put my…”  
Serena is flushed. “Ok, ok. I think you made your point.”  
“Good.” Bernie sits back on the chair and sips her tea. “I guess you don’t want…”  
“We should stop, Ber…” Serena immediately correct herself. “We should stop.”  
“It’s the wisest thing to do.”  
“I’m glad you agree.”  
“Definitely. Even though…” Bernie ponders.  
“What?”  
“Well, the damage is done.”  
“True.” Serena admits.  
“And we’re both here…”  
“Also true.” Serena stir some sugar in her tea. “What about the room?”  
Bernie shrugs. “I booked it last week.”  
“Too late for a refund?”  
“I believe so.”  
Serena shakes her head. “I don’t like wasting money.”  
“Who does?” Bernie looks down at her hands. “One more time?” 

They’re waiting at the red light to cross the street.  
“Will it be different?” Serena asks but Bernie doesn’t say anything and she tries again. “Now that we know who we are?”  
“I hope no.” Bernie says seriously.  
“You hope no?”  
“I think rules serve a purpose, they can save your life, makes you better at what you do. I lived by so many rules for all my life and everything was easier.”  
“All your life?”  
“I was… I guess there’s no point to hiding things anymore. I was an army medic, a Major.”  
“Oh.” Serena says and almost misses the green light.  
“Come on.” Bernie takes her arm and leads her to the hotel. 

It’s still the same in the room. Serena thinks that knowing someone’s name and profession doesn’t make much difference. Knowing what makes them laugh or cry, their childhood’s secrets, their closest friends; if they like poetry or spy movies, or both; they’re favorite food, all the places they’ve been and loved. That can change the way you touch someone. Serena doesn’t know any of that, she can still cradle herself in the illusion of anonymity, and truly be herself. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to come and say hello, I’m on Tumblr too: [willowisacoolwitch](http://willowisacoolwitch.tumblr.com/).  
> Thanks to my beta TwoBeatsAtOne and to those who left kudos and comments:)

Bernie took a shower in the locker room and wore scrubs and hoodie. She was tired. That kind of pleasant tiredness after hours of sex in an hotel room. She wished she could lie down in her Ikea bed admiring her new bed tables before falling asleep thinking about Serena moving under her. Instead she had to work. One of her patients needed to be sent urgently into theatre and she’s been there the best part of the night.  
Now that her shift is over she puts her coat over her scrubs and walks to her car under a faint rain. When she gets home the sun is up and the rain is over. She finds the cat still wet sitting on her doormat.  
“I’m gonna pretend you’re not here just not to embarrass you.” She quickly gets inside alone. She starts making some coffee when her bell rings.  
“Hello Miss Wolfe.” It’s Miss Maple. “I found Serena on your doorstep!”  
“It’s not…” But the cat is already sitting on the kitchen chair. ”Well, thanks.” She tries to close the door but the woman stops her. “Are you a doctor?”  
Bernie looks down at her maroon scrubs. “I am.”  
“I have this pain in my leg every time I lift it like this…”  
Bernie sighs heavily.

Serena is at the hospital looking at Morven, Fletch and Raf talking. She’s heard the word ‘Wolfe’ but nothing more. It could have been ‘wolf’ but it’s improbable. She can’t resist and steps closer. “What’s today story?”  
“The new locum at Keller, Miss Wolfe, last night repaired a middle cerebral artery thrombosis in less than two hours!” They’re gonna show the video to the F2s this afternoon.” Morven says excited.  
So lover by day, hero by night, Serena thinks, just a tad jealous. She could barely move last night.  
“I’ve heard that she’s one of the best Trauma surgeon in the country.” Adds Raf. “And that they’ll make her a consultant soon.”  
“Of course they will.” Serena mutters.  
Fletch looks at her. “I thought you’d liked to have a new woman consultant.”  
“I’m ecstatic.”  
She walks to her office, she has almost a week to pull herself together and not to go to their next appointment. It will be hard, excruciating, thinking of Bernie waiting for her, thinking of all the wonderful things she was giving up. But Bernie has been right from the start. This was something only two strangers could do. What if someone sees them? Two consultant going inside an hotel in the middle of the afternoon. Serena shakes her head. This must stop, now.

Bernie had bought two bowls for the cat. And some food. It smells like death but she seems to like it. Bernie studies her from the couch and sees her scratching herself. Vigorously. “You’re not sick, are you? You do realize I have problems of my own.” The cat meows and goes back to her food.  
Bernie closes her eyes and thinks of the other Serena. How much she wants to see her again in the hotel room. How deeply she’d miss what she feels in there. And maybe it’s just because of the fantasy but what if it’s a little bit Serena herself that makes it so incredible. How is she supposed to tell them apart?  
The cat starts scratching again and Bernie gets up from the couch. “That’s it, mate, trip to the vet it is.” She wraps a blanket around the cat.  
At the front door they meet Miss Maple. “Miss Wolfe, a present for Serena.”  
“I’m sorry?”  
“It’s a collar and a little tag with her name and your number, you gave me your card, remember? You were so nice to me this morning!”  
“You didn’t have to.” Bernie reads the tag. “Serena.” She murmurs. “You _really_ didn’t have to.”  
“Oh, it was nothing. See you!” The old lady waves them goodbye.

“They abandoned you! A perfectly fine cat, thrown away! What kind of family does that to one of their own?” They’re in the car, coming back from the vet. Bernie is talking to the cat comfortably sleeping next to her in her new camouflage transporter. “Well, mine did. But I made so many mistakes, I deserved it. What did you do?” She squeezes her eyes suspiciously at the cat. “No, seriously, what did you do?”

***

The next day at the hospital Bernie is called down at the AAU. She thought she was ready but her shaking hands are telling otherwise. A young F2, Morven Digby, is waiting for her at the elevator. They introduce themselves and Morven starts describing the patient. “Female, 80 years old, high blood pressure managed with pills, light form of diabetes. Complains a pain at the joint.”  
“Very fascinating, Miss Digby. But why calling me?”  
“She asked.” Morven pulls back the curtain.  
“Miss Wolfe! I’m so happy you could make it. They’ve told me you were busy!”  
“Hello Miss Maple. I’m glad you followed my advice and came here but this not really my speciality. I’m sure…”  
“What brings the great Trauma surgeon to our humble home?” Serena reaches them.  
“Pain at the joint.” Marvin says.  
“That’s it?” Serena frowns. “Colour me disappointed.”  
Bernie blushes.  
“Hey, that’s my joint you’re talking about!” Miss Maple protests.  
“I’m so sorry, Miss?”  
“Miss Maple, I’m Miss Wolfe’s neighbor.”  
“Aren’t you? I’m Serena Campbell.”  
“Serena!” Miss Maple squirms.  
Bernie wants the earth to swallow her. She very slowly shakes her head trying to get the attention of the old lady.  
“Yes, Serena, why?” Serena wonders.  
“Serena! Like…” Miss Maple finally catches Bernie’s desperate micro expressions. “No, like… my niece.”  
Bernie breathes in relief. “If you don’t mind I’ll take care of her.”  
“You can’t pick your patients here. Miss Digby is perfectly capable…”  
“I’m sure she is.” Bernie is quickly losing her patience. “I’m just asking for some professional courtesy.”  
“On what? Your fourth day?”  
“Glad you counted them.”  
“I didn’t.” Serena says too quickly.  
“Wild guess then. Good for you. Why don’t you try the lottery? Can I have Miss Maple’s chart, now?”  
Morven looks terrorized between the both of them until Serena gestures her to give Bernie the chart.

All Miss Maple needed were some company and Ibuprofen. Bernie walks her out of the hospital and says goodbye.  
“You can’t act like that.” Serena is sitting near the entrance with a cup of coffee. Bernie turns to her.  
“It’s my neighbor.”  
“So? I thought you always stick by the rules.”  
“Ha.” Bernie sits next to her.  
“You can’t put me in that position in front of my staff.”  
Bernie smirks.  
“See! I’m trying to be professional and who knows what you’re thinking.”  
Bernie leans her head against the wall and turns to her. “I think you do.”  
Serena fidgets with her cup. “How can you even see with all this hair before your eyes.”  
“It’s an art.”  
“One of many, I bet.”  
“You can’t bet on something you already know.”  
“Are you always so full of yourself?”  
Bernie laughs. “Oh no. I’m terrible at almost anything. Family, children, human relationships. I’m useless.” She shrugs. “But I’m stellar in theatre, and I’ve seen the look in your eyes in that hotel room.”  
“There’s so much we can hide in there.”  
“And very little.”  
Serena nods and stands up.  
“Will you be there?” Bernie whispers. But Serena doesn’t answer.

***

It’s early morning and Bernie and the cat are leaving the apartment.  
“Look at my leg, like new!” The old lady walks briskly up the stairs.  
“I’m very happy for you, Miss Maple.”  
“I see you used the tag. Serena will be pleased.”  
“It took some convincing.”  
“I meant the lady. Is it a surprise, right?”  
“Oh, she’d be very surprised… Thanks for keeping our little secret.”  
“Of course” Miss Maple winks and goes upstairs.  
Bernie gets in her car and without thinking says out loud goodbye to the cat. 

Bernie has an appointment with Hanssen and she’s a bit worried. He starts talking about the weather, then about her past in the military. After that he makes a long digression about a friend of his in Sweden that’s a captain. Half an hour has gone by and Bernie still doesn’t know why she’s been called. When he finally gets to the point she wished she’d asked more about the Swedish captain.  
“Miss Wolfe, I think your talent would be better used in the AAU.”  
“Um.”  
“Um what?”  
“It’s that I just got to Keller and I like the place….”  
“You can still see your friends at the pub, Miss Wolfe. What I’m asking will benefit the hospital and that should be your first priority.”  
“It is.” Bernie nods.  
“And of course you'll be a consultant there. You more than proved your value in this few days.”  
“Oh, thanks. Does Miss Campbell…”  
“She doesn’t know yet. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to have someone with your skills at her disposal.”  
“Thrilled.” Bernie echoes. “When should I start?”  
“I’ve seen your shifts. I think it would be better a week from today.”  
“Friday? Ok… Can I please be the one to tell Miss Campbell? I’d like the news to come from me.”  
“As you wish. Now, I’m awfully late, If you don’t mind.”  
“Of course.”

Bernie takes the elevator to the ground floor. She looks for Serena that’s treating a patient and waits for her at the nurse station.  
“Hello!”  
Bernie turns to this cheerful guy.  
“I’m Fletch. You’re from Keller, right? The new locum?”  
“Yes, Bernie Wolfe.”  
“The youngsters here are already in love with you, they’d kill to get in theatre with you. Defend yourself, they bite.”  
Bernie laughs. “Thanks for the tip, Fletch. I’ll bear that in mind.”  
Serena watches them from afar and wonders what the hell are they talking about. As soon as she discharges her patient she marches to them.  
“Here again.” Serena says drily  
“I can’t stay away.” Bernie sees that Serena is not amused and changes tone. “I need to talk to you, if you have a moment.”“I don’t.”  
“It’s important.”  
Serena walks away from Fletch and Bernie follows her. “This is not the place, how dare you come here…”  
“It’s not about that.”  
“Whatever. Just text me next time.” She leaves Bernie standing in the middle of the ward.  
“She’ll warm to you.” Fletch has walked back up to her. “Come tonight at Albie’s, my personal guest.”  
“Albie’s?”  
“It’s where we all meet at the end of the day. It’s cheap and close.”“Every little girl’s dream.” Bernie smirks.  
“Fletch!” Serena yells.  
“Gotta go.”

At nine Bernie changes her clothes and heads to Albie’s. She finds Fletch’s table and sits next to him. Morven and Raf are already there.  
“First round on me. What can I get you?” Fetch asks.  
“White wine.”  
“Comin’”  
She’s at her second glass when Serena comes in. When she sees Bernie she halts but this is her pub too, she won’t be scared away. The only free chair is next to Bernie and she takes it.  
“Three beautiful ladies, I think this is the poshest table!” Raf is already tipsy.  
It takes a few minutes but finally the conversation is fluid again. Serena learns more about Bernie’s past. The divorce, the two children. And Bernie now knows that Serena is divorced and lives with a long lost nephew. And has a daughter, Elinor who’s away at uni.  
But those are only information, like reading the biography of an author on the cover of a book.  
Serena excuses herself. She needs to wake up early. Bernie yawns and says that she’s tired too. When they are outside Serena turns to her furious. “Are you following me?”  
“No, I have to tell…”  
“I told you to text me!”  
“I don’t have your fucking number, you genius!”  
“That’s because you didn’t want it in the first place!”  
People are watching them and Bernie suggests. “Can we go somewhere more private, please?”  
They go into the parking lot, hidden between cars.  
“Do you know who you were amenable chatting to? Those guys showed me your ad!”  
“They showed it to you?”  
“I more spied on them, but that’s not the point.”  
“And what it is?”  
“I… I don’t know anymore. You’re making me so mad, you were supposed to be a stranger, stay that way. And I’m not saying it was the most brilliant idea, it was so incredibly stupid. But now you are fucking everywhere! It’s too much, I can’t…”  
Bernie kisses her. It’s more a countermeasure tactic at first, to make Serena listen to her, stop panicking about nothing. But then Serena kisses her back and her legs get weak, her heart pounds. It’s so good kissing her, her lips, her tongue, she wants all of that.  
An alarm goes off and they reluctantly step back.  
“It was…” Bernie trails off.  
“Yeah… See you on Wednesdays?” Serena says without thinking but she hasn’t the time to regret it because Bernie is giving her a silly, irresistible smile.  
Serena walks away then turns. “Didn’t you want to tell me something?”  
“Yes. But it can wait.”


	4. Chapter 4

On Wednesday when Serena arrives she finds Bernie in front of the hotel waving at her. She crosses the street and asks. “Change of plans?”  
“I thought we could take a coffee… after, this time. If you don’t mind?”  
“I don’t.” Serena looks at the hairs on Bernie’s coat. “I guess you kept the cat?”  
“It’s more the other way around. But she’s very independent, it’s more of an open relationship.” She realizes what she’s said. “I mean..”  
“I know.” Serena smirks. “Don’t worry. Do you have to go the hospital later?”  
“Yes, you?”  
Serena nods. “Night shift.”  
“You look… good.” Bernie attempts.  
“Thanks, but you don’t need to be nice. I’m already sleeping with you.”  
“No, I…”  
Serena laughs. “You’re so easy to mess around.” She steps forward and puts Bernie’s hair behind her ear, staring intently in her eyes. “You’re gorgeous. I can’t wait to have you naked.”  
Bernie blushes and Serena laughs again. “Now, that’s how you compliment a woman. Shall we go?”  
Serena pushes the hotel door open and gets inside.

They still have more than an hour to get to work when they sit at the table of the coffee shop. Their cheeks are still flushed and their skin feel raw. Facing each other after sex, desperately trying to be neutral and not reaching out for the other, it’s an impossible task.  
“Maybe it wasn’t a good idea.” Serena says. “Get the coffee now.”  
“Yeah…” Bernie’s only wish is to run far, far away. Take a shower and get her body rid of Serena’s perfume. “I have something to tell you and it seemed better this way. But…”“What is it?” Serena hurries her.  
“I talked to Hanssen, he wants to…”  
“Is he offering you a position as a consultant? That’s great!”  
“No. Well, yes. But he also wants me to leave Keller.”  
“And where…” Serena puts down her coffee, a dreadful suspect creeping out on her. “Bernie?”  
She’s never called her by her name. It doesn’t sound sweet and rich as Bernie had imagined, just cold and inquisitive.  
“I tried to say no but he had already made up his mind. I start on Friday.”  
“You just… we just…” Serena breathes loudly. “For God’s sake you just fucked me and it didn’t cross your mind that maybe, just maybe, I needed this information beforehand?”  
“I can see that now.” Bernie whispers in shame.  
“I’m gonna be your boss in less than 48 hours!”  
“I tried to tell you, the other day.”  
“But you didn’t! You changed your mind as soon as I told you I would be here!”  
“Wouldn’t you?”  
“What?”  
Bernie looks up at her. “Be here anyway? I know you love it as much as I do. I know you want more, I know you can’t never get enough. Just like me. I can’t stop, can you?”  
Serena blinks. “It doesn’t matter. You should have given me the chance to make my own decision.”  
“I’m sorry.” Bernie moves her fringe back. “You’re right, I should have told you. I was blinded by…” But shame stops her from continuing.  
Serena stands up to leave but stops next to Bernie. “I would have, you know. I would have said yes. You didn’t need to lie, I was blinded too.”

***

After the kiss in the parking lot at Albie’s, Serena had dared to think that something more could happen between Bernie and her. She couldn’t say this wish, even in her own mind, but it had been lingering there until Wednesday in the coffee shop, where it was crashed by reality. Not only Bernie was going to work for her but she had blatantly lied. She didn’t really know Bernie, but she had foolishly let her guard down, trusted her without any reason except her attraction to her. Like a silly teenager would have done. Like those stupid women on telly.   
It’s Friday and she is addressing her staff. They’re all looking at her and she has spotted Bernie trying to hide behind Fletch.  
“We have a new member on our staff. Miss Berenice Wolfe. Please show yourself.” Bernie steps forward clearly suffering the attention. “I hope you’ll make her feel welcome, I’m sure she’ll repay your trust in kind.”  
She hadn’t meant to say that. She had decided that morning to put aside her bitterness, being the mature adult she proud herself to be. But she failed at her very first attempt.   
Back in her office she takes her phone and looks at the few emails they had exchanged before meeting. ‘I’m 5 feet 8, blonde, brown eyes.’ Bernie had simply described herself. She hadn’t said how beautiful she really is, how she squeezes her eyes when she laughs so that her whole face is lighting up. Or how she tilts her head every time she feels shy with her words. How often she hides her hands in her pockets, trying not to fidget too much. How cold they are at the first touch and how quickly they become warm and steady on Serena’s skin.   
Yet Serena had said yes to so little informations, appreciated the lack of frills. When she saw Bernie on the street she didn’t like her at first. Her hair was all over the place, she was wearing black faded jeans and her voice was too bossy. But then Bernie pushed back her fringe, lowered her eyes, lost the attitude. And Serena’s heart skipped a beat.   
A knock on the door and Serena puts the phone back in the drawer. “Yes?”  
“Sorry, can I have a moment?” Bernie steps inside.  
“Of, course. I’m sorry for before, I…”  
“No, Serena…”  
“Let me finish. I shouldn’t have said that. It won’t happen again.”  
“Um… thanks. But I was here for my schedule. I wanted to check with you. First day and all..”  
“Oh.” Serena clears her throat. “Sure. Take a sit.”

Bernie lies on her couch. The tv is on but there’s no volume. The cat jumps on her stomach and sits there. “So that’s where we are, now.” Bernie mumbles. “At least one Serena still likes me.” She knows she has messed up. But that’s why she had posted the ad. She wanted to minimize the risks of screwing things up. And still have sex. “Will I ever go there again?” She asks the cat. But that’s only half of the question. Everything would be easier if she could imagine someone else with her in the room, but she only craves Serena.

***

On Monday Bernie sees the ward shifts for the next month. On the sheet Serena’s shifts aren’t displayed, being the Head of AAU has its perks, but Bernie has all Wednesdays afternoon free except one when she’s on call. She wonders if it’s just a coincidence, she hopes it isn’t.  
Two days later Bernie is in front of the coffeeshop, trying to busy herself with a game Morven downloaded on her phone.   
Serena looks at her from afar. A pale pink coat with the collar turned up, dark jeans and sneakers. She chastises her heart for beating so fast, she won’t let herself fall for Bernie. Not after last week.  
“Hello.” Serena says brazenly.  
“Hello.” Bernie says pocketing her mobile.   
“Coffee?”  
Bernie holds the door open for her. Their table is occupied and they choose another in the back.   
“I wasn’t sure you were coming.” Bernie says when the waitress leaves.  
“I didn’t want to.”   
“What changed your mind?”  
Serena shrugs. “Weakness, I guess.”  
It’s not an answers that makes Bernie happy.   
“Why are you here?” Serena says after a while.  
“I think you know.”  
“Sex?”  
“You make it sound…” Bernie makes a face, like she just ate something bitter.  
“Dirty? Prosaic? Filthy?”  
“Yes.”  
“Maybe I meant intense, burning, consuming.” Serena says flatly.  
“Did you?”  
But the waitress comes back with their coffees and Serena doesn’t clarify.  
“I want to do something different this time.” Serena says like she’s talking business.  
“What?” Bernie worries.  
“I want to do what you usually do.”   
“That’s… That’s not what we agreed for.”  
“I think we’re way past that.”  
“Yes but…”  
“I also think you own me.”  
Bernie bites her lip and doesn’t say anything else.

They don’t change roles, after all. Serena only wanted to prove herself that she has at least a bit of control after what Bernie did last week. Make Bernie take a step back, finally make them equals.   
After they’re done, they dress up and they are ready to go. Serena puts her hand on the door but stills. She knows Bernie is right behind her, she can feel her warmth radiating on her back. And she thinks that she hadn’t proved anything. That she still hasn't enough control, that Bernie hasn’t been punished at all. She reaches for Bernie’s hand and places it between her legs.  
“Serena!” Bernie says surprised.  
“This is my new rule.”  
Serena makes Bernie’s hand move on her until she can feel Bernie’s breathing hot and shallow on her neck. She unfasten her slacks and Bernie slides inside.  
“Make me come.” Serena moans. And Bernie knows what to do because she’s done it so many times. Even if never, never like this. Bernie knows so well how to touch her, knows how touching Serena makes herself always so wet and desperate. This time she’s sure that Serena won’t return the favor but it doesn’t change anything. 

They rapidly say goodbye outside the hotel and go their separate ways. Serena gets hurriedly in her car and starts to cry. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” She chants. So stupid thinking that changing things would have made them better. She feels horrible. She feels full of Bernie. She feels she can’t possibly bear this heaviness in her heart.   
Bernie walks past her car, walks fast under the rain, hits people’s shoulders on the sidewalk. Says “I’m sorry” so many times she can’t count. 

***

They avoid each others in the next days. As much as it’s possible without endangering the patients. They live their life in a confined space, they operates together. They share informations, make plans for the ward. They come to work putting up a facade and wear it all day long. It’s tiring, Serena is exhausted, wonders if Bernie is drained too.  
Wednesday arrives and Serena is sitting in the coffee shop when Bernie comes.  
They’re both tense.  
“Hi.” Bernie says putting her coat on the back of the chair.  
“I can’t go on like this.” Serena blurts it out.  
“Oh.” Bernie wasn’t expecting this.  
“It’s not… This thing, like this… I can’t.” Serena tries to find the right words but Bernie is staring at her and it unnerves her not being able to read her face.  
“Ok.” Bernie says dryly.  
“Ok?”  
“What do you want me say? If you don’t want me anymore… I understand.”  
“It’s not that…”  
“And it’s a mess, at work. I can’t focus.” Serena tries to say something but Bernie doesn’t let her. “You’re right it’s better for everyone. We couldn’t go on like this anyway. It’s always been just a game, from the start.”  
“A game?” Serena tries to cover her hurt.  
“A fantasy. But now we live in the real world, so…” Bernie says pragmatically.  
“Right.”   
Bernie drums her fingers on the table. “One last time?”  
“Yes.” It leaves Serena’s mouth before she could stop herself.  
They go outside. Cross the street, enter the hotel. Serena watches Bernie talk to the concierge. They climb the stairs in silence. Bernie closes the door behind them. They look at each other and they know, they just know that this last time will be different. Bernie steps forward and kisses her. It’s sweet and deep. They taste each other with a patience that’s new to them. They remove their clothes and put them on the armchair. They lay down on the bed and kiss again. Bernie is so delicate and slow that Serena wants to cry. She had wanted to ask for more than one afternoon once a week, but Bernie seemed so sure to end things. And now her mouth is trailing down Serena’s neck. Kissing every inch of her skin, making that her mission. Serena traces infinite patterns on her back, so soft under her fingertips. Bernie gets on top of her, slides her leg between Serena’s and rocks slowly.   
It’s never been like this, Bernie has never been like this. So is this what I’ve missed? Serena thinks. Are we making love at last? It’s cruel and beautiful. Maybe it’s always been.   
Bernie licks Serena’s breast, doesn’t bite, won’t leave marks this time. She wants to remember Serena like this. Calm and perfect under her mouth. She had tried all week to find the courage to ask her to have dinner together, give them a chance out of this room. Now, she’s glad she didn’t. Serena would have laughed at her. Bernie is not good for dating, she’s just good for this. And she’s gonna give it to Serena, one last time.   
Bernie’s hand slips between them. Serena gasps when Bernie touches her and it feels like it’s the first time. She wants to tell her to never stop, never leave her. That she didn’t mean anything she said. That she wants to be with her. But Bernie kisses her words away. Serena feels one tear coming down and she cleans it before Bernie could see it.   
Bernie looks at her and Serena thinks she sees something in those warm brown eyes but Bernie’s fingers enters her and she gets lost in that.   
Bernie moves inside of her, like she had done so many times, but this is the first time Serena feels as one with Bernie. And she wonders if Bernie feels the same, she hopes she does.  
Bernie knows she’s never had a moment this perfect, she’s never felt so whole. That she never will again. She sink her face in pillow, close enough to breathe Serena but away from her eyes.  
But Serena turns her head to her, pushes away Bernie’s fringe and kisses her. Bernie moves faster and faster until Serena comes.

It’s night when they leave the hotel. They stand outside in the cold thinking how to say goodbye to someone you’ll see tomorrow. Serena smiles and messes Bernie’s hair. “I always wanted to do that.”  
Bernie smirks. “So…”  
Serena shakes her head. “Please, don’t.” She kisses her lips and leaves.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading this. Let me know what you think, comments are always very much appreciated!

It’s been over a month since their last Wednesday. Serena had slowly fallen back in her routine between the hospital and Jason. She had learned to work with Bernie. It had been easier than she had thought. Bernie has been a great help in the ward and her value was undeniable. She can talk to her now without dying inside. She still thinks about her at night, it’s her only concession. The time between getting in bed and falling asleep, it’s still all Bernie’s. She will stop, eventually. She’s not there yet.  
Bernie goes to work and then back home. Her colleagues often invite her to Albie’s but that’s Serena’s territory and she doesn’t want to invade that too. She doesn’t want to see her lose her smile when she enters the room like she does at the hospital. It hurts too much. She says to herself that she’s content enough with her cat and her takeaways. She’s even made a friend, Dom. They meet sometimes on the roof and it’s nice having someone to talk to.

***

When Hanssen had told Serena he wanted to make Bernie co-lead of the AAU she had felt betrayed. But then had thought about Jason and maybe having someone to share the load with wasn’t such a terrible idea. And if she was honest with herself Bernie was already co-leading in some ways. When Bernie has knocked to her office saying she would never accept the position if Serena asked her not to, she had assured her it wouldn't be a problem for her. But now, watching her sitting in front of her, she starts having doubts again but of all a different nature.  
“What is it?” Bernie asks.  
“Nothing.”  
“You keep glaring at me.”  
“How can you tell?”  
“Cause I keep glaring at you.”  
“That’s…”  
“Maybe I should find another office.”  
“Where exactly?” Serena shrugs. “We’ll get used to it.”  
Bernie thinks at how they used to share another room, how simple was then. She prints the ward schedule for the next month and brings it to Serena. She leans on her desk. “Do you mind giving it a look? I don’t want to mess with your system.”  
Serena takes the paper and starts reading. “It seems fine. No, wait.”  
“What?” Bernie leans forward to look where Serena is pointing but Serena pushes her chair back.  
“Sorry!” Bernie says standing up.  
“No, I shouldn’t have jumped.”  
“No, it was me. I…”  
“Oh for God’s sake we’re both being ridiculous!” Serena drags her chair back where it was. “Come here.” But Bernie doesn’t move and Serena takes her wrist. “See? We didn’t combust.” Serena pretends not to notice Bernie’s blushing. 

***

They’ve just spent five hours in theatre and after fearing of losing the patient more than a few times they’re both very happy with the result.  
“You’ve been great in there.” Serena says while they’re going back to the office.  
“No, you were.” Bernie smiles still euphoric. “I don’t know how you managed to…”  
“Yes, well that was pretty neat if I may say so myself. But you did…”  
“It was a close call, that one!”  
They’re so wired, they don’t even notice how close they are until they have to open the door. Bernie steps back and lets Serena go first. She closes the door and Serena is right in front of her, smiling. The room is dark, they hadn’t had the time this morning to open the curtains. Bernie’s body is suddenly heavy. Serena looks down at her mouth and then slowly leans to bite her lower lip. Bernie feels Serena’s hand on her hips, pulling her, and she kisses her back. Low moans fill the air around them. Bernie pushes her against the desk and Serena sits on it spreading her legs. Bernie gets as close as she can, trying to feel all of Serena’s body against hers.  
Someone knocks at the door and Bernie steps back taking Serena down with her. Raf sticks his head in. “Two injured in a construction site.”  
“Yes, we’ll be right there.” Serena says and watches Raf leaving. “We shouldn’t…”  
“Yes, yes. I know.” Bernie tells her following Raf out.

When Bernie gets home is way past the end of her regular shift. The cat meows profusely at her until she puts food in her bowl. “You are so easy to please.” Bernie says turning her nose at the fishy smell. She washes her hands and goes in her bedroom to change. In the bathroom she sees some lipstick on her neck. It’s small and faint, she hopes nobody noticed. She traces it with her finger. She wishes Serena didn’t kiss her just to regret it a minute later. She had felt like a toy in a spoiled children’s hands.

Serena is making tea for her and Jason. She had been caught up in the moment and had slipped up. Bernie looked so hurt after, but Serena couldn’t go kissing people in the hospital, Bernie should understand that. She tried to talk to her but Bernie didn’t come back to the office and she had to come home. Maybe tomorrow she’ll get a chance.

***

Serena never finds the right moment and after a couple of days it’s clear that Bernie has no intention to talk about the kiss or anything else for that matter. She speaks even less than usual, makes a point of always open the curtains. Serena can’t help but being a little offended by that. 

“I met a girl yesterday. At a party.” Dom is sitting next to Bernie on the roof floor. “Beautiful, tall, witty. A bit like Zosia, brown hair, blue eyes. but with bigger…” He gestures at his chest with both hands.  
Bernie laughs. “You’d be an horrible straight man. Don’t ever try, please.”  
“I didn’t engage in an endless conversation to get her number for me, you know. You could show a little more gratitude.”  
“Gratitude?”  
Dom sighs. “You are miserable, you kinda need…” He gestures at his chest again.  
“Breast?”  
“Boobs, breast, tits. Whatever you lesbians call them.”  
“I’m more a legs kind of girl.”  
“Really?”  
Bernie rolls her eyes. “We are not having this conversation again. You have to stop offering these young women like a weird gay pimp. I’m good.”  
“You’re a cat lady.”  
“You’re not a cat lady if you only have one.”

She takes the stairs to get back to the AAU, she always does if she has the time. She needs the extra exercise. On the last flight she hears Serena’s voice and she stops. This urgency to hide is silly, childish even. But when it’s possible she tries to avoid her.  
Serena pushes open the door and starts walking up the stairs. She finds Bernie on the lending.  
“Oh. Hi. Break over?”  
“Yes.” Bernie says.  
Serena sees her putting her hands in her hoodie’s pockets, the tension building in her shoulders. It’s almost like Bernie’s worried Serena would kiss her again. She bites her tongue not to say anything mean, but nods and keeps going.

***

Dom pages Bernie asking to come to the cafeteria. It’s almost lunch time so she gives some instruction to Fletch and reaches him there. He’s already in line with two trays and gives one to her. She smiles. “Lunch together. People will get ideas.”  
“Yes, that you’re a cougar.”  
“You’re too short for me anyway.”  
They take their food to the table and sit down. “You’re eating an awful lot.”  
“Oh, it’s not all for me.” Dom says setting the table for someone else.  
“Who are we waiting for?”  
“Hi, Dom.” A dark haired woman in her early thirties says kissing him.  
“Bernie this is Lauren. Lauren, Bernie.” Bernie shakes her hand and glares at Dom.  
“Take a sit. I don’t have much time so I got some stuff for you too.”  
“Salad and salad. Are you watching my line? I’ll take the salad number two.”  
“See? I told you she was funny.”  
“You sure did.” Bernie breathes.  
After a few minutes spent plotting the murder of Dominic Cooper, Bernie has to admit that he was right. Lauren is funny and easy on the eyes. It’s a pleasant distraction.  
Half way through the lunch Dom takes out his beeper. “Duty calls. Gotta go, ladies.”  
Bernie panics at the idea that she has to carry on a conversation by herself with a stranger. “No, you don’t. It didn’t beep.”  
“It vibrated. It’s low but my hip it’s extremely sensitive.” He waves his hand and squeezes Lauren’s shoulder leaving them alone.  
“Embarrassing, uh?”  
“What?” Bernie asks.  
“Being dumped by the gay guy.”  
“No, its not..”  
“What I meant is… is this a setup?”  
Bernie blushes. “No, no…” She gives up. “Well, probably. But it was all Dom.”  
“I can see you’re uncomfortable but I’d like to stay. Let’s forget about Dom, ok? I came here just for the hospital food anyway.” She smiles and Bernie smiles too.  
“You should try the broth, then. The best in the region.”  
Lauren laughs and it’s a nice laugh, Bernie likes it. They finish their lunch and Bernie accompanies her outside. They walk together to her car.  
“So maybe Dom was onto something.” Lauren says but Bernie makes a face. “Or not. Anyway this is my card. Dom told me you need to get out more, we can do that sometimes.”  
“Yes, well. I’m not the greatest company right now.”  
“You sell yourself too short. It was nice to meet you Bernie Wolfe. Cool name by the way.” Lauren kisses her cheek and disappears in the car.  
Bernie watches her leave and goes back to the hospital playing with the card in her hand.

Serena is horrible all afternoon. Contradicts everything Bernie says. Checks her every move. Is never satisfied with her diagnosis. At first Bernie is patient but it doesn’t last long. At five the tension is so palpable that all the ward is resenting it and Bernie faces her in their office. “What’s your problem?”  
“My problem? You’ve been distracted and shabby.”  
“What did you just say?” Bernie’s voice is dangerously low.  
But Fletch knocks on the door saying that’s an urgency coming.  
“We talk later.” Bernie warns her.  
And she waits for Serena in the locker room at the end of their shift.  
“Don’t you ever question my professionalism again.” She says as soon as Serena walks in.  
“Professionalism? As in making mistakes an F2 wouldn’t do? As in being insubordinate? As in meeting women in the workplace?”  
“What are you talking about?”  
“I saw you, everybody did. What is she? Half your age?”  
Bernie crosses her arms. “So that’s my crime, having lunch. That’s why you’ve been acting crazy all day?”  
Serena reaches her locker and opens it. “It’s not my fault if your head was elsewhere.”  
“I thought we were past that, Serena.”  
“Past what?” Serena says gathering her things.  
Bernie walks behind her. “Why do you care anyway? Planning to do some more pointless snogging?”  
Serena slams hard her locker and turns to her. “You’re making a fool of yourself if you think I’m jealous.”  
“I didn’t say that. But why don’t you try and stay out of my business?”  
“Then don’t take them in my hospital.”  
“I’ll take them to dinner then.”“Good.”  
“Fine.”

A few hours before Serena had seen Fletch cashing in ten pounds from another nurse and asked about it.  
“Miss Wolfe is in the cafeteria. With a lady.”  
“And?”  
He had flapped the note. “I just won.”  
Serena shrugged. “It could be her daughter.”  
“Believe me, she’s not.” He winked at her.  
“You shouldn’t be so proud of yourself.”  
“Come on boss you know I’m an equal opportunity wagerer. There’s a five years old bet still standing about you and Mister Griffin!” He smirked. “About that…”  
“Oh, shush.” She had left him and had taken a long detour to the cafeteria.  
It wasn’t Bernie’s daughter.  
She had gone back to her office. The woman was younger, taller, thinner than her. Would Bernie measure them like that? Like Edward did with all his affairs? Serena thought she had more variables than a piece of meat. That she was more complex than a used car to sell. But here she was, hurt and alone, while Bernie was clearly moving on. Will they be happy? Have what Bernie and Serena were never capable to have? Will the woman be better than her? Make Bernie’s heart beat faster than Serena ever could? Serena felt pathetic. And angry, so angry at Bernie for making her feel so small.

Now, after the fight in the locker room, she knows she’s the one she should be angry at. That Bernie didn’t own her anything just because she had broken her heart.

Bernie walks to her car and throws her bag on the passenger seat. She gets inside, takes out her phone and Lauren’s card. ‘Dinner?’ She thinks she should probably make an effort to be nicer but she’s not in the mood and presses sent. At the first red light she receives an answer. ‘You know, you should say who you are when texting someone who doesn’t have your number. But yes, Bernie, I’d love to have dinner with you.’  
‘Sorry. I’m bad at this. Tomorrow?’  
‘Lucky for you, you have others qualities I’ll be happy to explore tomorrow. Text me the details later. Goodnight.'

***

The next morning Bernie wakes up regretting sending the text. She scratches her cat that purrs back. “Aren’t we fine? Just you and me?” She takes her phone but it’s way too early to message anyone. “Breakfast?” The cat meows. “You only love me because I feed you, don’t think I don’t know.” They get up and go to the kitchen.

Serena is making eggs for Jason. She puts them in his plate and sits next to him.  
“Aren’t you eating, Auntie Serena?”  
“I’ll grab something at the hospital.”  
Jason puts down the fork and stares curiously at her. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”  
“What?”  
“I know everything.” He says mysteriously. Serena pales but doesn’t say anything. Jason frowns. “It works on telly!”  
“What works on telly?”  
“When one suspects something’s wrong and pretends to know what it is the other always spills the beans!”  
Serena smiles at him. “There’s nothing, Jason. Everything’s fine.”  
“No, you’re not. But it’s ok, I’ll figure it out and make things better again.” He goes back to his eggs and Serena resist the urge to hug him tight.

It’s a busy day at work, even more than usual but at least Serena seems back to her calmer self and they can share the load without arguing. When it’s almost the end of her shift Bernie receive a text from Lauren with the address of a restaurant and the time. She looks up searching for Serena. She’s talking with the relatives of a patient. Bernie feels a pang of sadness for what could have been but never was. She answers yes to the text and goes back to work.  
At seven she gets in her car, goes home, showers, finds something decent to wear and at eight is at restaurant. Lauren is waiting for her at the table.  
“Hi.” Bernie says sitting in front of her.  
“Hi.” Lauren looks at her. “You cleaned up nice. Loved the scrubs and hoodie style, but the shirt is not bad.”  
“Thanks, I guess? You’re alright too.”  
“Just alright? Do you know how hard it is to find a dress matching the exact shade of my eyes?”  
Bernie laughs. “I wouldn’t know. My eyes are a common brown.”  
“I wouldn’t say common.” Lauren pretends to think about it. “Rich? Deep?”  
Bernie looks away.  
“Too soon to flirt? Should I have waited the main course?”  
“It’s not…”  
Lauren puts her hand on Bernie’s and smiles. “Hey, it’s ok. It doesn’t mean anything. I’m planning to flirt with the waiter too, you’ll see, he’ll blush to death. I could flirt with a cat given the right circumstances.”  
Bernie looks at Lauren’s hand, not sure how much she’s liking the contact. Enough not to move away, she thinks. “I should have bring mine along, then.”  
The waiter comes and Lauren makes good to her promise. The poor guy almost runs after taking their order. They both laugh and Bernie relaxes. They talk of their jobs, Lauren works in a computer company, and a bit of their life. Bernie is not very keen in sharing details and Lauren doesn’t push her. Bernie appreciates that. She tries hard not to think at how similar Lauren and Serena are. She tries hard not to think about Serena at all.  
When they leave the restaurant they decide to take a small walk. Lauren takes Bernie’s arm and Bernie lets her.  
“Making progress, are we?”  
“I don’t know what are you talking about.” Bernie smirks but it’s nice not to tense at someone’s touch.  
“Do you think it’s gonna rain?”  
Bernie stops and looks up. “No, I don’t…”  
Lauren kisses her.  
“Ha.” Bernie is surprised. She probably shouldn’t be, but she is anyway.  
Lauren kisses her again. This time with more intent. And Bernie wants to stop but forces herself to stay, silently praying Lauren to kiss away Serena from her mind. To erase Serena’s memory, to make Bernie right again. But all she can think of is how Lauren’s lips are too full, how her tongue is doing everything wrong. And when Lauren arms hold her and she feels trapped, she can’t breath anymore and she steps back. “I’m sorry, I can’t.” She sees the hurt in Lauren’s eyes and she can’t stand to look at her anymore. She leaves Lauren there and walk fast to her car. Few drops start falling from the sky. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this, let me know! And always thanks for your kudos and comments. Thanks to my wonderful beta:))

Serena and Jason are watching a quiz on tv. It’s past ten and Serena is tired but she promised Jason to stay with him until the end of the show. During commercials Jason goes to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. When he comes back he’s got a frown on his face.  
“What is it?”  
“There’s someone at the gate. Looking inside.”  
“Someone?”  
“There’s too much rain to see properly. Do you want me to ask him to come in?”  
“No!” Serena stands up. “I’ll go.”  
She wears her coat over her home clothes and takes her umbrella. When she opens the door the figure moves. “Stop!” Serena orders and marches to the gate. She halts for a moment when she recognizes who it is. “Bernie?” The woman is soaked wet. “Come here.”   
But Bernie puts her hands in her pockets and glares behind her at the street.  
“Oh for God’s sake, I’m freezing!” Serena grabs her arm and pulls her until they’re both inside.  
“Jason do you remember Miss Wolfe from the hospital?” Serena says when they’re all in the kitchen  
“Of course I do. Doctor Bernie.” He glares at her. “You’re wet, why didn’t you buzz?”  
“I… was taking a walk. I didn’t mean to come here.” Bernie looks at the small puddle of water forming under her and moves her feet on it, making it worst.  
“Um.” Jason is not convinced. “You were spying inside.”  
Serena comes between them. “Yes, well, Jason why don’t you go and take some towels now?”  
“Ok. But I think you should give her something to change, Auntie. And maybe check her temperature.”  
“I will. Now, please go.”  
Serena waits for Jason to be on the stairs and turns worried to Bernie. “Are you ok?”  
“Yes.” Bernie says but she’s shaking.  
Serena touches her forehead and Bernie finches. “You need to take a hot shower. You really should know better than wandering around at night under a storm.”  
“It was just a few drops when…”  
“That’s how every storm starts. Let’s get you upstairs.”  
Bernie has never been at Serena’s home. She’d heard her once giving her address on the phone. She had forgotten the number but she had walked the street until she had seen her and Jason watching telly. She shouldn’t have stayed so long but they seemed so peaceful, the house so warm, she had kept telling herself just one more minute.  
They’re upstairs now and Serena is taking the towels from Jason asking him to go back to watch his show. Serena opens a door and Bernie looks inside.  
“Is this your room?”  
“It is. Is there a problem?”  
“I… I don’t want to intrude.”  
“It’s a bit too late for that. Please, don’t be difficult.”  
Serena takes her to the ensuite and opens the hot water of the shower. “Put your clothes in the sink, I’ll sort them out later. You’ll find something to wear on the bed when you’re finished.” Serena leaves her alone and Bernie begins to undress.   
Under the shower she cleans her face, lets the water fill her mouth, tries to forget all about the dinner, all about the kiss.   
She finds a white t-shirt and grey pants on the bed and puts them on. When she opens the door Serena is outside on the corridor. “Feel better?”   
“Yes, thank you.”  
Serena gets in the room and closes the door behind her. She looks at Bernie. The shirt is too short and the waistband too wide. Serena has to tire away her eyes from a stripe of pale skin she knows all too well. “Do you want to tell me why you’re here?”  
“No, not really.” Bernie pushes down her shirt but it immediately goes up again.  
“What if I wanted to know anyway?”  
Bernie crosses loosely her arms. “Um…”  
“Ok, never mind.”  
Serena makes to grab the knob but Bernie stops her. “No, it’s just… I wanted to see you.”  
“You see me everyday.”  
“I know. I wanted to see…” Bernie struggles to explains herself. “The other you. Not the working you. Just you.”  
“Oh.”  
Bernie mistakes Serena’s surprise for embarrassment. “I’m sorry. I should go, now.”  
“No.” Serena hurries. “Your hair. The dryer is in… I’ll show you.”  
Serena goes in the bathroom, takes the dryer and plugs it in next to her bed. Then sits on the armchair and watches her. Bernie had expect her to leave and it’s a bit odd to be stared at while she dries her hair.   
When she’s done Serena rolls carefully the wire around the dryer and puts it on the bed table. “You can’t go.”  
“Why?”  
She turns hesitant to Bernie with a coy smile. “Because I want you here.”  
“Ha.”  
Serena tilts her head. “You… are you confused?”  
“Most of the time.” But always, always with you.  
Serena’s smile turns sweet. “Let me try and change that.” Serena walks to Bernie and trails slowly her hand from her hip up to the side of her breast then up again till she reaches her neck and pulls her down to kiss her. Bernie lets her because her body is screaming to let Serena do whatever she pleases. But she wishes she could say no. She wishes she could be for Serena something more than a lucky coincidence in a stormy night.  
Serena looks at her and sees a shadow passing through her eyes. She had thought that Bernie wanted this, that she had stood under the rain because she wanted her.  
“Maybe I’ve misunderstood…”  
“No, why?” Bernie finds her smug smile. “You haven’t.” She kisses Serena again. She’ll be sorry tomorrow, when she’ll have to pretend that this has never happened, when Serena will still be unreachable for her. But she had missed her hands, she is tired to look at Serena from afar. She’ll have her tonight and worry tomorrow.  
Serena is pushing her in the vague direction of the bed. Bernie’s shirt is half gone when Jason’s voice comes from the corridor.  
“Goodnight Auntie Serena, goodnight Doctor Bernie!”  
Serena steps back and steadies her voice. “Goodnight Jason, I’m sorry I haven’t watched the end of the show with you.”  
“It’s ok. Sleep well.”  
“You too.”   
Serena hits lightly Bernie’s stomach and she immediately says. “Goodnight Jason.”  
“This is basic politeness, don’t they teach you that in the military?” Serena whispers going to lock the door, just to be safe.  
“I’m sorry, he took me by surprise.”  
Serena comes back. “Where were we?” She removes Bernie’s shirt. “Oh, yes. Now I remember.” She pushes Bernie on the bed and straddles her. “You look good on my bed.”  
“Do I?” And she didn’t mean to sound so needy, so uncertain.  
“Yes, why?” Serena sees the shadow again. “Are you…”  
But Bernie rolls her down and kisses her hard. It’s easy to forget the consequences when everything around Bernie smells of Serena, when Serena’s nails travel down her back.  
They undress each other and Serena grinds on Bernie wishing she could be louder, wishing she could make Bernie hear how much she’d missed her. Bernie puts her hands on her ass and pulls her up. Serena looks at her not sure what she’s supposed to do.  
“On my mouth.” Bernie says. “Now.”  
Serena smiles and gets on her knees. Holds on to the headboard and slowly descends on Bernie.

Serena has just fallen asleep. Bernie watches her, studies her lips slightly parted, her hair flattened on the pillow. She’d love to touch her, kiss her forehead, her nose. But she doesn’t want to wake her up so she just let herself bath in this intimacy she’s sure she doesn’t deserve. She imagines having breakfast with her and Jason. Holding hands under the table, sharing a kiss before going to work. She imagines herself being so much more than she is for Serena. It hurts thinking back at the last time they had been together, just after Serena had told her she didn’t want her. It hurts thinking that for Serena she’s only good enough in bed. But that’s how it all started, Bernie must had done something good in that hotel room. She wishes she could show Serena how good she is out of that room too. But she doesn’t think she really is. The only thing she can do is spare both of them an uncomfortable morning after.  
When it’s half past four Bernie gingerly gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom to collect her clothes. She gives a last, longing look to Serena. She looks so beautiful in the dim light of the street lamps, maybe Bernie could spend this one night with her without feeling an unwanted guest, fall asleep on her warm shoulder, wake up in her arms. But she sees Serena moving and goes to the door. Waits until there’s silence again to unlock it. She takes the stairs trying to hold back the tears and redress in the dark. She gets outside, the cold is nice on her skin and the rain has finally stopped. She feels like a thief but thinks that she’s been robbed of something too.

Serena lays in her bed, looking at the door. Bernie has come and gone and now she’s alone and naked, wondering when she’s become such an idiot. It’s always been just this with them, it will always be just this. There will be no breakfasts and dinners. Walks on the beach and sunsets, like in those books she sees in line at the market. Bernie has only ever given her one choice, sex or nothing at all. But she’s being playing at Bernie’s rules for too long. She’s fed up, sick and tired to play the second character in this play. Bernie may be a Major in the army but has no leading skills in life. Serena takes her gown from under the pillow and puts it on. It’s time to make a coffee and get her life back.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me a week to update, I'm very easily distracted these days. This story is almost over and I already have a new one so if you have a prompt for me you can leave it here or on Tumblr [willowisacoolwitch](http://willowisacoolwitch.tumblr.com/). You probably won't have any for me and I perfectly understand but I thought I'd try. Please let me know if you like this chapter (or if you don't). Thanks to my beta:))

The next day Serena buys two coffee and goes to the ward. She had put some extra makeup on, a blouse that has Jason’s approval and a smile plastered on her face. She spots Bernie coming from the on-call room with her scrubs already wrinkled and dark circles under her eyes.  
“Hello!” She says cheerfully, handing Bernie one of the coffees.  
Bernie looks at the cup confused. Is this her reward for leaving in the middle of the night?  
“You’re supposed to say thank you and then drink it before it gets cold.”  
“Oh. Yes, thank you.” Bernie nods, takes the coffee and leaves.  
Serena looks at her back and mumbles. “It’s not a challenge if it’s not hard, Campbell.”  
Serena spends her day being kind to Bernie, not an easy task since Bernie seems determined to avoid her. At mid afternoon Serena is not sure anymore about her tactics and stares at her computer trying to revalue her plan.  
Bernie watches her from the window, wondering what’s so interesting in a black monitor. She opens the door.  
“Hi, sorry. I’m going in theatre for the motorcycle accident. I think it’ll takes three hours given or take. Just wanted to tell you I won’t be here until the end of shift.”  
“Yes, sure. What do you do after? A few of us are going to Albie’s.”  
“Albie’s?”  
Serena knows she shouldn’t enjoy so much the terror in Bernie’s eyes. “Yes. Pub. Wine. Humans all around.” She smiles warmly.  
“Um, I don’t know…”  
“Come on, it will be fun. If you have nothing better to do of course.”  
“No, I…”  
“Settled then! See you later.” Serena goes back to her computer and clicks on the mouse to wake it up.  
Bernie closes the door not sure of what’s going on. Coffee, random acts of niceness, an invite in what has always been Serena’s territory. She had expected coldness or, with a bit of luck, just plain normality. This seems like a cruel joke, receiving a prize for not being a nuisance after sex.

Leaving theatre she decides not to go. Apart from everything, she is too tired after not sleeping at all the night before. But Fletch is waiting for her and almost pushes her in his car. The pub is, as Serena has described it, full of humans and alcohol. They reach the table where Raf and Serena are waiting for them.  
“You made it!” Serena takes her coat off the chair next to her. “Come here.”  
Bernie smiles nervously. “I let Fletch kidnap me, I worried he would use brutal force and I didn’t want to humiliate him.”  
“Did he?” Serena winks to Fletch. “What are you drinking?” She asks Bernie.  
“White.”  
Serena makes a face. “If you must. Raf, darling?”  
“Libations on their way, boss.” Raf says.  
They start talking. It’s mostly Fletch and Serena but Bernie is content with nursing her wine and laughing at their banter.  
After a while Bernie spots Dom walking back from the loos and waives at him. He comes at their table, a little unstable on his feet.  
“One too many, mate? Who’s gonna drive you home?” Bernie asks him.  
“Zosia.” He seems to struggle to remember something. “Oh yes, how was your date yesterday?”  
Bernie feels a pang of panic pass through her. Sees at the corner of her eye Serena losing her smile. “What are you talking about?” But she knows her voice betrayed her.  
Dom scratches his face. “Sorry, I got confused. You’re some kind of nun, right?” He forces a laugh knowing he just messed up big time.  
“That I can confirm. Tell me if you need someone to bring you home, alright?”  
“Will do. Bye guys.”  
They say goodbye and the silence stretches way too long to be comfortable.  
“Well, I think I’ll go.” Bernie says but Serena squeezes her arm.  
“Don’t.” She stares calmly in Bernie’s eyes.  
“Yeah, don’t go. It’s Fletch’s turn to pay. Wouldn’t be fair.” Raf says.  
“Well, then…” Bernie smiles shyly to Serena.  
Serena pats her knee and starts talking again like nothing had happened. But her mind is going a mile a minute, trying to figure out what Bernie had done the day before. Did she go out on a date and then slept with Serena? She wishes she could understand how Bernie’s brain works but in all these months all they’ve done is having sex and mastering the art of avoiding each other. She can’t recall a proper conversation. Maybe it’s time to try one of those, like two adult, like two friends would.  
Serena offers Bernie to give her a ride to her car because the boys want to stay some more.  
“I’m sorry, I know it’s none of my business but…”  
“Then don’t ask.” Bernie says tiredly. The wine and the lack of sleep are taking their toll.  
“Um, yes, but… I just don’t understand. You had a date and then came to my house?”  
“It wasn’t a date. At least not for me. The counterpart might had thought otherwise.”  
“And then… you wanted to see me?”  
“Are you taking me to the hospital’s car park? Because we should have arrived by now.”  
“Listen, I don’t pretend to understand you. Because I don’t. You probably have the same problem with me. What I…” Serena breathes out. “Can’t we try and be friends? Get to know each other a little better.”  
Bernie finally turns to look at her. “Friends?”  
“It’s not a bad word, you know. And we work together, everything would be easier if we were….”  
“Friends.”  
“Yes.”  
“For the hospital’s benefit?”  
“Yes” Serena says but Bernie shakes her head and turns to stare at the street so she adds “But for me too, I’d like that. Don’t you?”  
Serena stops at Bernie’s car and Bernie gets out. She’s about to close the door but changes her mind and leans inside. “Ok. Let’s try this friends thing. But I have to warn you, I’m not good at this.”  
“Yes, yes, you told me. You’re only stellar in theatre and… and…” Serena frowns because she can’t believe she’s tricked herself like that.  
Bernie laughs. “You look like Jason right now. See you tomorrow, Serena.”

***

Bernie goes to work the next day not sure of what expecting. Apparently coffee is a great deal between friends because she keeps finding a cup every time she steps in the office. Lots of smiles, too. And thank you’s. She tries to make her part and buys a chocolate pastry that leaves on Serena’s desk. When she comes back a few minutes later the chocolate had melted on Serena’s papers and Bernie frenetically tries to clean them up. She even licks some of the bigger drops. When Serena gets in and finds her that way she immediately closes the door but Bernie can clearly hear her laughing from outside. “I told you I’m not good at this!”  
Serena reopens the door and sees the chocolate all over her face and fingers. She smirks. “Oh no, I think you’re being very thorough.”  
Bernie squeezes her eyes.“This is the last pastry you’ll ever gonna get from me.”

When she goes on the roof for her break, Dom apologies profusely to her. He’s mortified and Bernie reassures him she’s not angry. She’s not gonna see Lauren again though, and asks him not to try and fix her life again. She can do a perfectly horrible job without his help anyway.  
Serena is talking with a patient when she sees Bernie coming back from her break. She’s gonna take things slowly. She doesn’t want to scare Bernie away.

***

A week goes by. Work has been crazier than usual, their shift haven’t aligned and Alan was out of town. Finally on Monday Serena sees an opportunity. She’s been nice to Bernie. Smiles and coffee and how are you’s dropped at any chance. Bernie wasn’t very good at reciprocating after the pastry incident, but she had thought that much. Now she at least accepted them gracefully, not staring at Serena like she’d grown a second head. Serena took this small victories and didn’t let Bernie’s frugality with words discourages her.  
Bernie is in line to get her afternoon coffee when Serena reaches her.  
“Hi.”  
“Hi.”  
The line moves and they step forward.  
“Tired?” Serena asks.  
“It’s more an addiction, at this point.”  
Serena laughs nervously. “Yes, well. Do you eat?”  
“Um… Sometimes.”  
“No, sorry, I meant would you eat me? With me! Dinner!” Serena puffs, this is not going as planned. “I mean would you have dinner with me?”  
“Dinner?” Bernie seems more worried than amused, not really helping Serena’s frustration.  
“Yes.”  
“Why?”  
But it’s their turn to order and the waitress calls Bernie.  
“Coffee. You?” Bernie asks Serena.  
“Me too.”  
They take their cups and go back to the ward.  
Serena is brooding behind Bernie when she hears her say something unintelligible.  
“What?”  
Bernie clears her throat. “Yes.”  
“Tonight?”  
“Ok.”  
They go separate ways. Serena tries not to smile like a fool.

At seven Bernie is ready to leave but Serena needs to finish some paperworks for the board meeting she has in the morning.  
“Do you want me to wait?” Bernie asks.  
“No, go home, feed the cat. I can come and get you there in an hour an half. Send me a message with the address.”  
Bernie nods and leaves. Serena calls Alan to check with him and hurries to finish her work.  
When Serena arrives, Bernie is waiting for her on the street. She gets in the car and finds a Doctor Who magazine on the seat. “Yours?”  
“Jason’s, but after three Doctor Who’s marathons it might as well be mine.”  
“Cam and Charlotte loves it.”  
“You should give it a try. I could convince Jason to invite you next time. He asked about you, I think he likes you.”  
“I like him too.”  
Serena is glad that they have found something to talk about. She had feared she would have to do monologues all evening. But Bernie seems happy to talk about her children and Jason.  
The restaurant is far from the hospital, has a nice list of Italian wines and that’s why Serena chose it.  
“Still into white wine?”  
“Afraid so. But, just for the sake of argument, what would you propose?”  
Serena opens the menu and starts describing her favorites. Bernie looks at her, Serena’s eyes are sparkling in the dim light and she licks her lips like she could taste each wine she’s talking about.  
The waiter comes and Bernie gestures to Serena. “Two glasses of Nero d’Avola. We’re gonna need a minute for the food.”  
“Good choice.” Bernie nods.  
“You know it?”  
“I prefer white but I’ve been in Italy.”  
“And you let me talk for twenty minutes?”  
“You looked so raptured, I liked it.”  
Serena gets slightly pink. “So, when you’ve been in Italy?”  
“The kids were little. With Marcus. One of the few holidays I enjoyed.”  
“Why?”  
“I usually got restless after a few days. And Marcus resented that and then the kids… I felt guilty for wanting to go back to work, fight with Marcus who couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just be happy with him. I tried every time… and failed every time.”  
Serena is not sure what to say, Bernie has never been so open about herself and she doesn’t want to ruin the moment. “And?”  
“And we should probably choose what to eat, the waiter is coming back.”  
“I’ll have risotto allo zafferano.”  
“I think fillet.”  
They tell the waiter and drink the wine he’s just left.  
“Good, is no Shiraz, mind me, but it’s good.”  
“I met Alex.”  
“What?”  
“What happened next is that I fell in love with Alex. We met aboard, work together. We had an affair.” Bernie blurts out before she could lose the courage.  
“Oh. Alex as in…”  
“Alexandra.”  
“Right, of course.” It’s not that Serena had thought she was Bernie’s first but somehow it bores her anyway.  
“I don’t like talking about myself because that’s the look I get. I’m not proud of what I did either.”  
“The affair? No, I’m not a big fan of affairs. I’ve been cheated on one too many times for that. But I’m not judging you. I wasn’t there, I don’t know what I would have done in your place. I’ve never thought I could be attracted to a woman until…” She stops and takes another sip of wine trying to hide the discomfort.  
“Why are we here Serena?”  
“I… I told you, I wanted to know you better.”  
Bernie laughs. “Now you sure know the worst part of me.”  
“That you fell in love? That you found the courage to be yourself? Is that the worst part?”  
Bernie shrugs. “I guess there are always two ways to look at things.”  
Serena talks about Edward and Elinor. It seems only fair to share after the effort Bernie had made on being honest. Serena had appreciated that more than anything. And then about the hospital and few of Bernie’s adventures in the military.  
“Do you miss it?”  
“Everyday. But that urgency to leave it’s not that strong anymore. And it’s nice to be close to my children. They don’t need me much anymore but I think they prefer to have me here and not in a war zone.”  
“That’s probably an improvement, yes.” Serena smiles, a little happy that Bernie isn’t about to leave.  
“And I like it here.” Bernie bites her lip, she’d like to rephrase that, say that she likes being here with Serena but the waiter comes to get their plates and the moment passes.  
“Dessert?” He asks them.  
“Tiramisù.”  
“Nothing for me, thanks.” Bernie says.  
Serena looks at her sideways. “Two spoons.”  
The waiter leaves them.  
“I’m full Serena.”  
“That’s nonsense, no one eats dessert for their nutrition values.”  
“That’s chips for me, not dessert.”  
“So you do have a secret pleasure. I thought you were all work and no play.”  
“Next time I choose the restaurant.”  
“Next time?” Serena grins.  
“Yes… No, I mean…”  
Serena laughs, resists the urge to kiss that frown. “Next time fish and chips. Can’t wait to see you get down and dirty with a paper cone.”  
Bernie rolls her eyes. “It’s not a pretty sight.”  
But Serena is already imagining those lips all shiny and salty. “Let me be the judge of that.”  
When the tiramisù is in front of Serena she asks. “You’ll have at least a spoon, right?”  
“When you get to the coffee part let me know.”  
“I will.” Serena puts some in her mouth and moans loudly.  
Bernie laughs. “Oh my God you’re like that woman in the movie!”  
“That’s not narrowing it down at all.” Serena mumbles still eating.  
“We watched it at the base, many years ago. She’s blond and she…” Bernie gestures vaguely. “You know…”  
“Faking an orgasm?” Serena says and the people sitting at the next table turn to her.  
“Yes, that.” Bernie whispers.  
“When Harry met Sally. Why the hell are you whispering?”  
“It’s not… It’s just… people were staring.”  
“Because I said orgasm? I’m sure they all had at least one in their life. But it never gets old, does it?” Serena smiles.  
“Um, no.”  
“Good to know we’re on the same page. Now here’s the coffee part.” She makes a big spoon of tiramisù and holds it in front of Bernie’s face. Bernie looks at the spoon then at Serena and shakes her head. “I’m perfectly capable of…” Serena takes advantage of her open mouth and pushes it inside.  
“I didn’t want to ruin the tablecloth.” She smirks.  
Bernie nods and cleans her lips with her fingers. “Yes, sure.” She says still chewing the tiramisù.  
Serena insists on paying, says to Bernie will do it next time. They get into the car and a little of the playfulness they shared in the restaurant remains outside.  
“Do you have to work tomorrow?” Serena asks.  
“Yes.”  
“I have to go and get Jason from Alan’s.”  
“I hope it’s not too late.”  
“No, he loves being with Alan.”  
Serena drives in silence after that. Bernie looks at the street until catches at the corner of her eyes Serena’s hand lying palm up between them. Serena changes gear and then puts her hand back where it was. Bernie keeps staring in front of her, not sure of what to do. She slowly moves her hand on Serena’s but she changes gear again and Bernie tugs her hand away. The car stops at a red light and Serena takes her hand. Neither of them acknowledge the contact but every time Serena has to use her hand she places it back on Bernie’s afterwards. And when Bernie interlaces their fingers, Serena moves her thumb in circles on her skin.  
Serena parks close to Bernie’s home.  
“Well, thanks for the dinner.” Bernie says. She turns to Serena and her eyes drifts to her smiling lips. “It was… very… very…” But Serena kisses her and she forget what she wanted to say.  
“Fuck. Sorry. Fuck.” Serena’s security belt is blocked and she’s trying to free herself. Bernie unfasten hers and helps Serena. “God, thank you.” Serena kisses her again, this time she can get closer. Bernie tastes of coffee and cream, and Serena licks her lips. Their hands are everywhere, under their clothes, over each other’s breast, pulling at the nape of their hair. Serena tries to turn on her seat and blows the horn with her elbow. They jump, a little startled. And Serena fears that Bernie will change her mind. She reaches under her her sit and pushes it all the way back. Does the same with Bernie’s. “It’s been awhile but I still remember the basics.” She smirks pushing down Bernie’s setback for good measure. Bernie laughs. “I live here, I can’t…” But Serena kisses her again. “No, Serena, what if someone sees us.” Bernie says between kisses.  
“Really? You choose this exact moment to become a prude?” Serena bites the spot on her shoulder where she knows Bernie loves it. “That’s a cheap shot Campbell.” Bernie moans. Serena grins and slides her hand between Bernie’s legs. “I can promise you it won’t take long.” Bernie closes her legs tight around Serena’s hand and then spreads them. “I know.”  
Serena opens Bernie’s slacks and finds her so wet she can’t help a groan. She touches her as best as she can with such little space but Bernie seems to like it anyway. “In.. Um.. Inside.” And Serena pushes two fingers inside. She’s leaning on her other arm not to fall on Bernie so she uses her mouth on her. She bites and suck at her breast over her shirt, licks the skin on her cleavage, murmurs in her ear how much she wants her, how she has thought of this all night, how beautiful Bernie is with her fingers fucking her. All Bernie makes are sounds and whimpers. She can’t say that no one has ever made her feel like this, that even being fucked in a car by Serena is better than anything else she has ever done. Bernie kisses her before anything could slip from her lips. She feels herself coming and grips with her hand Serena’s arm with too much strength. Her hips grind faster on Serena’s palm and she comes. Serena kisses her face, Bernie still clinging around her fingers.  
Bernie opens her hand and it aches. “Did I hurt you?” She says out of breath.  
“No. Well a little, but it’s fine.” Serena smiles.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“It was worth it.” Serena kisses her and gingerly removes her fingers. She licks them clean. “You always taste so good. I don’t think I ever told you.”  
“Um, no.” Bernie says distracted by what Serena has just done.  
Serena clears Bernie’s fringe. “You make me do the wildest things.”  
“I can assure you I was quite positive I had put my days shagging in a car well behind me.”  
Serena laughs. “Not just this. It wasn’t bad though.”  
“No.” Bernie pulls herself up enough to capture Serena’s lips. She means the kiss to be sweet but they get quickly carried away.  
“Wait, sorry.” Serena says, flushed again. “I have to go. Jason…”  
“Of course.” Bernie hurries to close her slacks.  
“No, what I meant is…” She hesitates. “What I meant is, I liked spending time with you.”  
Bernie is looking for her purse that’s stuck under her seat. “You always do.”  
“Yes, true. But I meant the dinner as well, talking with you, I liked that very much. I only wanted to have dinner, things just slipped…”  
“Oh, great. The regret speech. Can you just help with my bag? I’m afraid I’m very close to eradicate the seat off.”  
“Bernie, stop.” Serena takes her face between her hands forcing Bernie to look at her. “I have to go to Jason. Otherwise… What I’m trying to say is that you promised me fish and chips and I’m counting on it.”  
Bernie frowns. “Do you want to see me again?”  
“Of course.”  
“For my dashing personality?”  
“Is it so unbelievable?”  
“Um.” Bernie doesn’t know what to say but can feel most of the edginess leaving her. “Can you help with the bag now?”  
“Yes.” Serena leans under the seat and easily takes out the bag. “It happens all the time. Well, in different circumstances.”  
Bernie smirks. “I don’t know Miss Campbell, you seem pretty adventurous.”  
“Only when I’m with you.” Serena smiles and kisses lightly Bernie’s lips. “Now off you go or Jason won’t speak to me for days.”  
Bernie gets out of the car and Serena waits for her to close the front door before leaving. “I don’t see a damn thing with this foggy glasses.” Serena mumbles turning up the air conditioning. She shakes her head and starts laughing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys, I hope you liked this story. Thanks to my beta and to everybody who read it, left kudos and comments (they made me super happy!).

They’re drying their hands after surgery when Bernie sees the bruises on Serena forearm. She traces them with her fingers. “Me?”  
“Yes.”  
“Sorry.”  
“Don’t be. The color goes with the scrubs. And they’re hardly your firsts.”  
Bernie smirks.  
“Yes, well, don’t get so smug. My skin is quite delicate.”  
“No, I’m laughing because the ward is being talking about this all morning and now I can see why. You could hardly slip and get fingertips bruises.”   
“They’ve noticed them?” Serena tries to pull down her sleeve.   
“Don’t worry I’ll get on top of this. Or maybe you should…” Bernie leaves but Serena can still hear her weird honk and can’t find it in herself to be angry at her.

Since the dinner Bernie has begun to smile more. She would stare at Serena from her desk and just smile until Serena would smile back and then focus on her computer again. She seems relaxed all the time, prone to jokes and innuendos and Serena is quite happy about it. The only thing that’s missing is an invite to another date. Serena waits and waits for days but nothing comes.   
One morning Jason comes to visit her. They have lunch in the cafeteria and then go in the office. Bernie is there, barely visible behind the patients’ charts.  
“Hello, Doctor Bernie.”  
“Oh, hi Jason. How are you?”  
“Very well, thank you. Did you catch the cold after spying on us under the rain?”  
“Jason!” Serena admonishes him.  
“No, it’s ok. I didn’t catch the cold and I’m sorry if I made you feel spied on. I didn’t mean to and it won’t happen again.”  
“Ok. You looked sad, were you?”  
“Yes, a little bit.”  
“I thought so. Auntie Serena has been sad too. Do you know why? She wouldn’t tell me.”  
“Jason, please…” Serena blushes.  
“Will you try and make her better?”  
“I… I’d like that, Jason.” And she looks intently at Serena who gives her a small smile before turning to Jason.  
“At what time Alan comes to get you?”  
“Half an hour. We’re gonna play Monopoly, watch telly and he said I can choose what to eat for dinner and go to sleep after the reruns of Stargate.”  
“Sounds like a wonderful evening.” Bernie smiles to him.  
“Oh, it will be.” Jason assures her.

Bernie has spent the last days trying to find the right place to take Serena. She was just procrastinating, she knows that, but she also wanted to do something special for her. When Serena comes back after leaving Jason with Alan, Bernie thinks it’s finally the right moment. “I was wondering…”  
“Yes?”  
“If you are…”  
“I am.”  
“I haven’t said anything yet.”  
“I’d love to have dinner with you tonight.”  
“Oh, yes. That was…” Bernie nods. “Good.”  
“Perfect.” Serena grins and turns her attention to the paperwork on her desk.

They take Bernie’s car.  
“It’s not very close. So get comfortable.”  
“Do you have music?” Serena asks.  
“Um… Some CDs that Cam left, maybe. I just listen to the radio.”  
“So, no Melissa Etheridge, Kd Lang, Brandi Carlile?”  
“Who? I’m still back to Dusty Springfield.”  
“All the same.”  
“What?”  
“She was a lesbian too.”  
“Really?! That would have been helpful to know thirty years ago.”  
Serena laughs.  
“How do you know all this?”  
“I researched.” Serena says proudly.  
“Why?”  
“I always do researches on topics I care about. Why you didn’t?”  
“I didn’t know there would be an exam at some point.”  
“I’ll pass you my notes.” She takes her mobile and puts on some Melissa Etheridge’s songs.  
After a couple Bernie is frowning.   
“Don’t you like her?”  
“Yes, I do but… why is she so obsessed with back doors? She puts them in every song.”  
Serena laughs. “I noticed that too. A metaphor maybe?”  
“Of what? Oh! Um…” Bernie blushes. “Let’s try someone else.”  
Serena skims her ITunes and finds ‘Drive’. “Let’s see how long you last.”  
“What do you mean?” Bernie asks but after the first few words she perfectly understands. “Ok, ok. Let’s try the radio. I have to mind the street, here.”  
Serena takes pity on her and turns on the radio. They’re on a freeway now. “Where are we going exactly?”  
“It’ a surprise. We’ll be there in ten minutes.”

It’s a small village by the sea. There are very few people around, it’s the middle of the week. Bernie parks in front an old building with a wood sign that reads ‘Fish & Chips’.  
“Oh so you keep your promises.” Serena smirks.  
“A new habit.”  
They go inside and order takeaway. The man gives them two giant portions and a bottle of beer. Once outside Bernie asks Serena to wait and opens her boot. She takes out a bottle of Shiraz and a corkscrew. “In case the beer wouldn’t do for you.”  
Serena grins happily and kisses her cheek. “Thank you.”  
“It’s just wine.” Bernie shrugs trying to hide the smile. “Let’s go.”  
“Where?”  
Bernie leads her to a small stair that goes on the beach. There’s a bench and Bernie gestures to it. “Our table, Miss Campbell.”  
“Wonderful. A bit chilly…”  
“Oh, yes. Give me a second.”  
Bernie comes back with two blankets and lays one on Serena’s shoulders.  
“Better?”  
“Yes, thank you.”  
Bernie is glad the man had put a monstrous quantity of napkins in their bag. “I hope you are appreciating my manners because I’m putting a great effort in not grossing you out.”  
Serena laughs. “You should know I’m not fussy.”  
Bernie takes a bunch of chips in her mouth. “Let’s see.”  
“I could kiss you right now.”  
Bernie coughs and drinks from the bottle of beer. “Ready.”  
Serena leans to her and kisses her. Loving her salty lips, loving the taste of chips and beer too.   
“See? Not a fussy girl.”  
“Yeah.” Bernie smiles and keeps eating.   
Serena pours her wine in a plastic glass. “Can I ask you something?”  
“Of course.”  
“Why did you leave in the middle of the night?”  
Bernie swallows and sits straighter, choosing carefully her words. “I left because I thought you didn’t want me there in the morning. That you already had what you wanted.”  
“You thought you were being what? A polite one night stand?”  
Bernie nods.  
“You should have asked.” Serena sips her wine. “Don’t do that again.” She says seriously.  
“I won’t.”  
Serena looks down at her food but Bernie takes her hand. “I won’t.” She says again and Serena nods.  
“Ok.”

Serena takes her leftover to the trash can and comes back. She nestles inside her blanket and stares quietly at Bernie.  
“Do you like it here? Maybe I should have waited for summer.”  
“No, it’s beautiful.”  
Bernie kisses her and goes back to her chips.  
“Did you go in the hotel room again?”  
“Serena…”  
“It’s ok if you did, I just…”  
“I didn’t. I couldn’t.” Bernie takes a napkin and cleans her hands. “It was my fantasy but we made it real together. I can’t imagine someone else. It will always be with you.”  
“Do you think we would be here anyway? Just two doctors meeting at the hospital for the first time?”  
“Yes.” And Bernie is so sure that makes Serena sure too.  
“Do you miss it?” Bernie asks.  
“Sometimes.”  
Bernie takes another chip.  
Serena rolls her eyes. “Are you really gonna make me ask?”  
“What?” But Serena glares at her and Bernie smirks. “I miss it too. But I wouldn’t go back at how things were.”  
“We don’t have to.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“We can have both now.” Serena’s eyes sparkles with mischief.  
“Can we?”

Serena has looked up on her mobile for a hotel close by. They have gone there and now Bernie is looking at it. It’s different from the one back in Holby. It looks more like a summer place for families, than a hiding place for lovers. She’s never been so nervous there. She wants to go inside but she’s afraid Serena will be disappointed this time. That she will disappoint her. That her hands will be delicate where they have to be strong. That her heart will ruin everything, that those three word will fall from the tip of her tongue.  
“We don’t have to go, you know?” Serena is next to her, Bernie could read the same doubts in her eyes.  
“The first time I told you that I could never do this with someone I care about.”  
Serena nods. “I remember.”  
“Now I do.”  
Serena smiles. “But is it a good thing, feeling free only with a stranger? Shouldn’t you be loved anyway, just the way you are?”  
“Loved?”  
Serena shrugs. “Do you want me to hide this too? I loved what we did in that room and then I loved you. There’s nothing in this gorgeous head of yours that could scare me away.”  
“You’re not fussy.”  
“Definitely not.” Serena smiles and kisses her lips. “Shall we?” She holds her hand and Bernie takes it. They walk together inside. Together they talk to the concierge. Together they take the stairs and together they close the door behind them.

And it is different this time but only at the end when Bernie doesn’t move away and whispers freely those three words.


End file.
